Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving The Flood

Developing Boundaries Is Very Hard To Do!

2012-03-03T15:49:00.001-06:00

Dear readers,

I have never set clear boundaries with people which allowed people to bully and abuse me. I internalized what they did and took it personal. I ended up with no self esteem and I hated myself for not telling them what I thought and felt. I kept stuffing it.

This is wrong you should be able to set boundaries with people but when you have been abused you grow up with having your boundaries constantly violated so you are used to not having any boundaries. I am working on this in therapy.

I am just starting this process with my mother who is an alcoholic. If she chooses to drink, then I will not visit her until she has a sober day.

It is important to set clear boundaries with others such as at work if an employee puts you down or humiliates you in front of your other coworkers.

Do you just take it and internalize the anger? Do you take that person aside and tell them they crossed a boundary with you and explain what you expect out of that person in the future?

Day 2 of 5 Interview with Barbara Shelton!

2012-02-24T20:12:00.001-06:00

Here is day 2 of the interview about PTSD and my book with Barbara Shelton.

http://barbjan10-barbjansblogblogspot.blogspot.com/2012/02/leslie-raddatz-interview-flashbacks-in_21.html

Let me know what you think.

Leslie Raddatz

Day 1 of 5 day interview with Barbara Shelton!

2012-02-24T20:09:00.000-06:00

Day One: Interview with Leslie Raddatz about her book with Barbara Shelton
http://barbjan10-barbjansblogblogspot.blogspot.com/2012/02/leslie-raddatz-interview-flashbacks-in.html

Read this first day and comment on it.

Thanks you

Leslie Raddatz

Day 5 of Interview with Barbara Shelton!

2012-02-24T20:01:00.000-06:00

Please visit http://barbjan10-barbjansblogblogspot.blogspot.com/2012/02/leslie-raddatz-interview-flashbacks-in_24.html for the last day of interview on Barbara Shelton's blog.

I thank you for everyone that commented on the interview about my book: Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood.

If you have yet visited, please do so and comment on what you think of the interview.

Thank you,
Leslie Raddatz
Author

Testimonial from a Test Market of my book!

2012-02-23T18:40:00.000-06:00

I let Lisa read my book as a test market and this was her testimonial:

Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood was a page turner. I couldn’t stop reading it. As I read Leslie’s book, I realized how much I could relate to her with the trauma and abuse that she experienced. I, myself, am a survivor of PTSD and spousal abuse. I found this book to be inspirational and a source of healing. I learned more about PTSD and the treatments available through Leslie’s eyes as well as finding new hope for my continual healing journey. I know that everyone heals at different times and there will be times survivors will regress but we are further ahead than most. You will never forget your past but your future will be much more manageable and you will be able to enjoy life more fully. It is sad how much Leslie and I had to go through but just knowing that there is help available is comforting and will bring a renewal of hope for the other people that read this book.

Lisa Spanbauer, PTSD Survivor,Oshkosh, WI

Thank you Lisa for your testimonial.

Leslie Raddatz

Day 4 of the Interview with Barbara Shelton- Now on Newsvine.com!

2012-02-23T18:17:00.003-06:00

Please go to newsvine.com and vote for my article.

Please leave a comment about what you think.

Did you find the information helpful to understand PTSD, Conversion and Somatization Disorders better?

Does the therapies I receive interest you? Do you want to learn more!

Can you identify with some of the symptoms or warning signs?

Barbara published my fourth day of interview on Newvine.com to see it press this link.
http://barbjan10.newsvine.com/_news/2012/02/23/10488403-barbjan10-blogs

If you would like to see all four days please go to link Barbara Shelton for the entire four days.

Your feedback helps me know it I am reaching my intended readers. Thanks for your support

Leslie Raddatz
PTSD Survivor

Another Interview! This one will last for five days on an online blog!

2012-02-20T21:33:00.002-06:00

Barbara Shelton also a writer has asked to interview me. This will be over a five days. It started today. Stop by and see what her questions were and see if they were different from Max Tucci's interview.

I guarantee it is alot different because we didn't have a time limit. http://barbjan10-barbjansblogblogspot.blogspot.com/2012/02/leslie-raddatz-interview-flashbacks-in.html

Thanks for your support!

Leslie Raddatz

If You Missed the Max Tucci Radio Interview!

2012-02-19T23:41:00.002-06:00

If you missed the Max Tucci Radio Interview with me you can go to http://www.latalkradio.com/Max.php and scroll down to the bottom of the screen, find Februrary 19 and click play a box will come up with Max Tucci and Friends.

I am the second guest so you can listen to the entire show or you can forward it to my segment.

It was a wonderful experience and I thank you to all my supporters who sent me emails and called me to congratulate me.

Thank you Max for the opportunity to be on your show.

Leslie Raddatz

Tonight Max Tucci Radio Interview About My Book and Disorders!

2012-02-18T17:02:00.001-06:00

I have great news!

I have been invited to be on the Max Tucci Radio Show from LA, for an interview about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and about my book Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood.

Go to http://www.latalkradio.com/Max.php to learn more about Max he is a very impressive guy and he was on the Lifestyle/Fashion expert for the first season of "America’s Next Top Model with Tyra Banks.

Go to http://www.latalkradio.com/ "Max & Friends" on February 19 at 8:30 p.m. PT and press the dial that has "Max and Friends" and then you can listen Live to the show. I would appreciate your support.

Thank you,
www.silencednolonger.com checkout my website.

My book is almost published. Just need to find an agent to help me get a publisher. I am so excited!

LA Talk Radio - Internet Talk Radio is Irreverent, Entertaining, and Cool at LA Talk Radio

www.latalkradio.com

LA Talk Radio features live entertaining and informative talk shows commercial-free 24/7.

Judged For Diagnoses Rather Than The Facts and The Person You Are!!

2012-02-18T12:30:00.001-06:00

Have you ever been judged for your diagnoses rather than the person you really are?

I have and it feels upsetting and unjust. My teenagers are going through adolescence and learned really quickly if they want to stay with their dad full-time all they have to do is lie about mom to the guardian at litium.

I took the report that this attorney had and was able to show documentation that the information she received was false. She talked to the children and the judge said that is all she is required to do. They didn't talk to my psychiatrist to know that all I have done in the past six months is go twice to check on me and get refills for my medications or the fact he is referring people with PTSD to my website so they can start talking to me to get help with coping with their PTSD. The fact I am going to be interviewed tomorrow by Max Tucci from LA didn't even show that I am doing great!

I also had Sole Custody for 13 years and that didn't show them anything. My children were never in trouble until they were with their dad.

My ex-husband lets my daughters run with friends, no supervision, consequences, just how teenagers like it. This however has consequences of them getting into trouble because they are too young to make grown up decisions when peer pressure arises.

My counselor reassured me that time will show who the better placement would have been.
I have said it before and now.

Our system protects our abusers and we are left with the choice to be a victim all over again or to choose to be a survivor. I chose to be the Survivor.

If something like this has happened to you. I am sorry and if it happens in the future, please don't let it ruin you. You know the truth about yourself and children are easily manipulated and controlled by what they want at this age, not what is best for them.

Cherishing The Time I Have with Loved Ones!

2012-02-11T12:24:00.001-06:00

This is my husband, Ramone, in my book. He is a very loving man who took my daughters as his own at such a young age. I was lucky to finally find a relationship without abuse. God helped me find my perfect match and I hope that all the survivors of abuse is as lucky as me. I am very thankful today that I went through all my struggles to be able to really appreciate the husband I have today.

My favorite photo of my dad and me at my wedding before he gave me to my second husband. It was a very special moment for me. My daughters were my flower girls now ages 16 & 14. The years go by fast.

My father's health is now on the last stages of kidney cancer. It really makes you reflect on life.

My parents had a lot of past abuser problems of their own when they had four daughters that is why I was able to forgive them for the severe parental neglect when I was a child.

I think it made it easier to cope after my parents stopped denying what happened and started to be part of my healing process by sharing their story with me but also to validate my feelings as well. I am so happy we all have made our peace.

Think about your family and your loved ones. Do you have some unresolved issues you would like to talk about and resolve. It may not be abuse related.

It could be a fight you had and no one wants to be the first to say sorry or admit they were wrong. Now is the time to make amends.

Awesome Resource Justice For All Revolution!

2012-02-10T17:52:00.001-06:00

I have been enjoying meeting other survivors that need support. As a facilitator for the Justice For All Revolution, website www.justiceforallrevolution.com, my ministry is to connect with others at different times of the day to see if they are in need of support.

It makes me feel good by helping others but I am also learning more too. Each individual's abuse situation is unique and personal. I am honored when a survivor trusts to talk to me about their trauma and abuse. When appropriate, I offer advice that may help or share my story so they know that they are not alone and that I do understand where they are coming from.

If you haven't already, check out this wonderful resource. You can start in the general chat area where you can begin to dialogue with the facilitators or other survivors before going into a specific chat room. This gives the survivors a chance to get to know the facilitators while building up his/her confidence to share and feel comfortable sharing their personal story.

More Exciting News! Reach Out When You Need Help!

2012-02-02T20:42:00.002-06:00

I am officially a Facilitator for the Ark of Hope. Also check out this website as well www.Children.org

The website www.justiceforallrevolution.com helps victims of child abuse, Addicts, Cancer, Adoption/Foster, PTSD and other Mental Illness, Grieving, Stress Management and more through live chat rooms.

They also have a lot of Resources that you can use to get the help you need!

When you need to reach out to someone you can 24/7.

Try it out and see what you think. Share your comments with me on this blog.

If you end up in one of the chat rooms I am in, please remember to like me by pressing the like button on my profile under Team, Facilitators and then find my photo. You can also read my story and all the places that I can be reached.

Thanks for your support!

Leslie Raddatz

When Writing A Memoir....with delicate subjects like mine...

2012-01-28T18:32:00.000-06:00

When writing a memoir it is very important to take care of yourself. I found out that some of the memories, I wrote about and talked about in the beginning of my healing journey didn't bother me.

Then the more into therapy I got then those memories that didn't bother me snuck up on me and put in a crisis mode for a day or two. This is because my child within is feeling more and more safe and trust my adult self and my therapist to share very deep and disturbing details that was kept silent for 32 years.

I am so happy that I am far enough along in therapy to know how to cope and take care of myself. Without learning this first, it would have taken me longer to return to normal. It could also result in hospitalization if you are not careful.

Do you know how to cope with your triggers and comfort your child within?

Interview on Max Tucci Radio Show!

2012-01-26T18:32:00.002-06:00

I have great news!
I have been invited to be on the Max Tucci Radio Show from LA, for an interview about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and about my book Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood.

I know that we had a couple days set and it was postponed but Max reassured me that this is a solid date that will not be changed.
...
Go to http://www.latalkradio.com/ "Max & Friends" on February 19 at 8:30 p.m. PT and press the dial that has "Max and Friends" and then you can listen Live to the show. I would appreciate everyone support.

Thank you,

www.silencednolonger.com checkout my website.

My book is almost published. Just need to find an agent to help me get a publisher. I am so excited!

LA Talk Radio - Internet Talk Radio is Irreverent, Entertaining, and Cool at LA Talk Radio

www.latalkradio.com

LA Talk Radio features live entertaining and informative talk shows commercial-free 24/7.

How Do You Know If The Child Within Is Activated!

2012-01-20T20:59:00.000-06:00

For myself it is when I feel unsafe, unprotected, abandoned, terrified, in trouble or sad. It is usually when something triggers me back to neglect or abuse.

Example If my boss asked to talk to me in her office. For along time, I would panic inside feeling like a little girl ready to get yelled at and disciplined. This triggered me back to being yelled at in my childhood. So right away I would be racing in my mind how to defend myself which is called the Fight or Flight mode. I would try to think of what I could have possibly done to be in trouble.

This was due to my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was regressing to a four year old but still having my adult present. So my boss would see the adult me but inside I felt like a terrified child. I would go in her office and it was never because I was in trouble. She wanted to go over instructions for a project or needed computer software support.

If this happens to you. I would suggest asking your boss to meet in a conference room or your office. This way it won't be intimidating to you and hopefully your child within will not be activated.

If this happens to you at work. Go to the bathroom and have your adult self comfort the child within. Tell him or her that you are safe that the adult you will protect her or him. The bad people are gone it happened in the past. It may calm the child within enough to get through the panicked situation.

Some Fun for the Child Within!

2012-01-20T20:27:00.000-06:00

I love my Art Therapy. Go to my website www.silencednolonger.com to see samples of the collages I have made.

You simply: Look through a magazine with a clear mind. Flip from page to page without thinking while you rip out the pages that for some reason caught your eye.

After about ten minutes stop ripping out pages. Get a piece of construction paper and scissors to cut your photos or words out and paste them on the construction paper. It will start to take shape.

When you are finished look at it and figure out what it means to you personally. Afterwards you will feel relax and happy inside.

It is fun!!!!!

Leslie

Second Testimonial - Thank You Bonnie Toews!

2012-01-14T18:30:00.001-06:00

This is a very nice testimonial I wanted to share with all of you.

Testimonial for Leslie Raddatz

Leslie Raddatz and her father have done something very courageous. They have exposed their frightening world dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as both father and daughter suffer from the same condition.

Returning soldiers feel shame because they’ve been trained to be tough. They are not cowards. They should be able to overcome this … on their own. They certainly don’t ask for help and let everyone think they are needy. This is why it has been so difficult over the years to get our mentally suffering vets into effective rehabilitation programs for PTSD. Their own military culture shuns them. Veterans Affairs has downplayed the seriousness of PTSD for years by refusing to understand the condition and disallowing veterans’ claims, leaving many to a shiftless, homeless life. Even worse, some in utter despair have committed suicide. Could these tragedies not be overcome if we choose as a society to recognize it and support treatment?

Scientists studying PTSD believe that the brain, when it is subjected to repeated and extended surges of adrenalin, short circuits – like an overloaded socket – or goes into defense mode to protect itself from breakdown. Thus, when episodes are triggered, the brain keeps replaying scenes from the moment the short circuit happened, like a broken record, because it doesn’t know how to repair the fissure in its neural network.

This helps explain why civilians suffer the same “shell-shock” symptoms as soldiers. Trauma that overloads the brain comes in many forms, not just in combat. PTSD is never caused because your character isn’t strong enough. No one knows his or her genetic limitation until it happens, and then it is too late. The only way to circumvent this wall of “silent” suffering is to face it and talk about it with others going through the same horror. Talking about it reduces the fear that you are the only one going insane.

In writing her book, Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through the Flood, Leslie Raddatz pulls us into her world of nightmares and humiliation. It’s not a sob story. It’s straight forward talk. She does not want you the reader to feel sorry for her, or her father. She wants you to understand what it is like to live in their shoes. It’s also to help you see that anyone can suffer from PTSD if put under “breaking-point” conditions. “There but by the grace of God go I!”

By writing about her experiences, Leslie is not just doing an exercise to help her heal. She is inviting her readers to heal with her. She is providing you with an opening conversation with someone you feel may be living with PTSD. She is also sharing the steps she took to find sanity and serenity.

Bonnie Toews, former journalist

Canadian Veterans Advocate http://www.homecomingvets.com

Spy Thriller Novelist http://www.bonnietoews.com http://www.homecomingvets.com

The Effects of PTSD on our Soliders and Their Families!

2012-01-12T21:23:00.080-06:00

Hello! My name is Leslie Raddatz and I am the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran, who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have PTSD as well and it didn’t affect me until I was 23 years old. My symptoms started out with panic attacks, zoning out, and nightmares. I was afraid to be alone and paranoid someone was trying to kill me. But, this is not about me. I’m writing about my father and what he and my family have gone through.

Before my father left home, he was young and full of life. Too young to ask questions! Obedient! Drafted had no choice!

Here is the same man but a product of the Army’s training and Vietnam War. A Solider trained to kill or to be killed!

Here is the same man. After war, Agent Orange exposure, kidney cancer, and tumors that have metastasized along ith PTSD. He suffers each day with the memories of War, worsening health, and struggles to live the rest of his life happy. Now asking questions and receiving no answers. He watches over and over the history channel of the Vietnam War trying to make sense of everything he experienced and still experiences in flashbacks.

On June 22, 2005, my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer. He discovered this by accident when his appendix burst. The Veteran’s Clinic couldn’t say whether or not it burst for sure so they sent him to the Veterans Hospital 90 miles away in my sister’s car.

The doctors confirmed that his appendix burst but that wasn’t the only problem he had. The doctor broke the news to my family and me that my father had two months to live. He had a large tumor on his kidney, which meant the tumor and kidney needed to be removed. There were small tumors on his lungs, spleen, pancreas, and small tumors on his other kidney.

We were dissatisfied with the care he received at the Veterans Hospital. When I learned my dad was in the Veteran’s hospital, I raced there to be with him. He was still waiting to have surgery. My sister took him to the hospital the evening before and it was now morning of the next day. I expected my father to have already gone through surgery by this time.

He was in a gown and lying in bed. I smelled a strong odor of urine as my dad lifted up the sheets to show me his catheter wasn’t in correctly so every time he had to urinate it squirted upwards all over him and the bed. My dad was covered in urine. My sister was too embarrassed to tell a nurse. I told her that from my experiences working in a nursing home that I knew they had to measure input and output on his chart. I rushed to get the nurse to assist my dad. She said, “It will be easier to fix it once they put him out for surgery.” I was outraged because my father’s dignity was not being considered while his family and anyone entering the room could smell the strong odor of urine. He felt ashamed and self-conscious while apologizing several times.

The first treatment they gave him was Interferon shots which made my father deathly ill. He was so weak that a nurse had to come in the house to take care of him, which included bathing him, helping him in and out of bed, and going to the bathroom by means of a urine container by his bedside. He was in a wheelchair because his legs were too weak to walk. He also had no short-term memory. This lasted for months.

My sister helped my dad apply for Medicare and transferred him to a regular hospital. The new doctor took him off the shots that was killing him and started him on an oral medication that restored his health to normal. After receiving physical therapy to walk and gain strength in his legs again, his independence was restored, and you would never know that he had terminal cancer.

His surgeries included: 6/22/05- Appendix removal; 8/12/05-Right kidney removed; 4/20/09- Pancreatic surgery-whipple procedure and spleen removed.

My dad tried to apply for his disability benefits through the Army and they said, “We can’t find you in our records.” “They told him they had a fire in Missouri where the files were stored.” They also asked, “Can you prove you were in the Vietnam War?”

Are you kidding me? My father was in a combat zone and was the radio repair man for company headquarters, and was a Sgt. and Radio Chief. My dad would communicate by radio to the supply helicopters the color of the flare he lit so they wouldn’t be heading into an ambush.

I was furious because my father was awarded a purple heart with an honorable discharge.

My dad remembers being blown out of the supply truck, when it ran over a landmine, while seeing his friend’s jaw hanging off his face, as he rolls and rolls for a long time. When he stops rolling, he is laying on his broken back eye to eye with a South Vietnam Soldier. My father thought he was going to be killed but instead this man put a cigarette in his mouth and stayed with him until a helicopter arrived and took him to a Mash Unit. This man saved my father’s life and I wish I could thank him. My father stated, “Thank God I didn’t have my weapon on me because I would have shot him because that is what we were trained to do. If you don’t act then you will be killed.”

My father was then airlifted back to the U.S. He remembers a huge helicopter with four or five high tiers of hanging bunk beds holding wounded soldiers. He was flown to a Denver Army Hospital. Later, my dad was relieved to see his friend that was in the truck with him when it blew up. He had a broken leg and his jaw was fixed and healing.

Thank God my dad kept his draft card, letters from home, all orders paperwork, photos, Purple Heart, video, War publications, as you see left side of all the symbols of units over in Vietnam, etc. My Dad’s symbol was the red and blue flower with white middle.

I was there!

When he could prove he was in the Vietnam War, the Army asked, “Can you prove you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” My dad had to start seeing a Psychiatrist and it brought up the past in order to prove he has PTSD. It caused so much pain for my father; mother and we kids knowing my dad had to again relive the memories of the Vietnam War and watching his friends die to get the benefits that were rightfully his.

My Dad’s PTSD didn’t start until he came home after his wounds healed, met my mom, got married and had four daughters. His symptoms started with night terrors, sweating, scared out of his mind as my mother tried to calm him.

My father worked with a Vietnam Veteran’s Office for 25 years. He first applied in 1987 for his back injury caused by being blown out of the supply truck. For this he only received 10% disability. He didn’t apply for PTSD because he was still in denial about it. Then in 2005, when he found out he had terminal kidney cancer, diabetes, and came to terms with his PTSD, he applied and was not approved. He went through three appeals and finally received 80% of his disability on November 1, 2009. He is still in an appeal for 100% disability.

It is no mystery to me why the Army made him wait for his benefits. They thought he would die before they would have to pay out the benefits. If not, why did they make him appeal three times when he had all the proof?

My mom testified about his Vietnam Syndrome/PTSD and the experiences that terrified her while trying to keep her four children safe. Back then, no one believed her about what was happening to my Dad. Not even his mother believed her son was mentally ill.

My mother was on her own as she looked for help and found a Vietnam Spouse Support Group that was led by a counselor who helped the women know what to do and not to do with their spouse who had PTSD.

A passage from the book: Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood by Leslie Raddatz:

I was three or four years old. “I remember one day I am about to walk into the kitchen my mom stops me with a panic look on her face as she keeps one eye on my dad as she tells me softly to stay still and not to move. I feel scared and frozen in place as I see the knife pointed at my mom. She turns her full attention to my dad who is holding a knife with a strange look on his face. Talking but I can’t understand what he is saying. I witness my mom slowly and calmly walking up to him while repeating, “It is okay. I am your wife.” “You are no longer in the war it is okay to let go of the knife.” “You are home with me and the kids.” She takes the knife out of his hands as he returns to the present and is confused as my mom hugs and kisses him saying, “It is okay honey. I love you.” As they both cry while I am still standing there not understanding what happened.”

“Other times my mother would be panicking as my father is yelling for the enemy to come out of their hiding place. While he is angrily searching around the house, she would hide us in closets throwing jackets, shoes, blankets on top of us so he wouldn’t find us. She told us not to come out until she came for us. If we had to go to the bathroom during the night, we would urinate down the heating vent because we were afraid to go downstairs.”

My flashbacks of my Dad with his PTSD episodes came out after being in therapy for months doing the EMDR and Brain Spotting therapies because I didn’t feel safe and I was paranoid that someone
was trying to kill me. I am now 35 years old.

My Dad talked about the blind trust young soldiers have when entering the army. He expressed his anger as he sees more young men enlisting and proud to fight for their country. My dad said, “Knowing what I do now, I feel disturbed knowing the young men are going to war and a lot won’t make it back home. They have no idea what they got themselves into. If they make it home, then PTSD takes their life and they suffer or kill themselves or their families. We see it over and over again in the Media and Newspapers.”

My Dad’s advice to soldier’s coming home now is to keep all your paperwork, photos, uniforms, etc so you can prove you were in the war. Also to get counseling immediately to discuss war experiences, loss of friends, and guilt for what they had to do to survive, difficulty reintegrating back to being home, PTSD symptoms and mental illness so they don’t affect their families. My dad stated, “The war teaches you to be a killer and not to cry or show emotion.” “This has to be talked about and the thinking reversed so they can try to live a normal, loving life with their families.”

Currently, January 12, 2011, my Dad is undergoing testing to decide whether or not to take his left kidney out because there are three large tumors on it, kidney function is failing and to start dialysis. His red blood count is also low and they may have to start blood transfusions. He also has two large tumors on his lungs and they may try to do surgery to take them out, if they are operable. His cancer, tumors, and diabetes are thought to be the lasting effects of Agent Orange Exposure.

_________________________________________________________________________

I, Leslie Raddatz, am the author of the book: Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood which will be published later in 2012. It illustrates the affects that PTSD can have on a child when her parents’ parental care fails, and the child is abused throughout her life because of the experiences of terror, survival on her own, lack of boundaries, protection, and the patterns it leads her to as well as through the healing process with therapies such as the EMDR, Brain Spotting, Attachment Therapy, Positive Imagery and Ego State therapy.

For more information about my story and about warning signs and therapies for PTSD, please visit www.silencednolonger.com and www.silencednolonger.blogspot.com. The blog has a place to leave comments on the discussions. If you do not want to leave a public message, please email me at lraddatz1@gmail.com and I will respond to your comments or questions in private.

God bless all our soldiers and their families and keep them safe.

Leslie Raddatz

Author / Survivor of PTSD &

Daughter of a Vietnam Veteran with PTSD

Photos in this article that includes the Purple Heart, Leslie’s photo, and two war magazines by: Alex & Natalie Photography- http://alexandnatalie.com / Experience their professionalism, creativity, and personal touch they bring to each photo project

First Testimonial- So Excited!

2012-01-11T21:44:00.000-06:00

I am so excited because many survivors have reached out to me to ask for advice to help with their PTSD. It feels so good to help others. Andrea gave me a nice testimonial that she allowed me to share with you.

"As a PTSD survivor I recognized myself in many of Leslie's posts and when I read the information on her website I didn´t feel as alone as I had before. The information gave me hope and encouraged me to not give up in a time I really needed it. Leslie reached out to me so I could reach out to her. Thank you, Leslie."

Andrea PTSD Survivor

If anyone else would like to do a testimonial, please email to lraddatz1@gmail.com.

Thank you for your support.

Also please write in the email if you give me permission to print it on literature, book, website, etc.

Leslie

Veterans or Families Struggling to Understand What Changed in their Loved One!

2012-01-07T12:36:00.000-06:00

For the Veterans or Families Trying to Understand What Changed in Them!

Go to this website Homecoming Vets at the Crossroads of Humanity homecomingvets.wordpress.com

There is a lot of information on this website authored by Bonnie Toews.

My dad and my story will be featured on this website this coming week. This also is a place where the Veterans can find others feeling the same way that he/she does coming home to a place that was familiar and now is terrifying, unknown to them, while they are changed. They struggle to reintegrate back into their normal every day lives to make their loved ones happy but all they know is war, death, and survival. The Military and War experiences has changed them and they need help to heal so they can come back to their families may be not like they were but pretty close.

Some can reintegrate well while some cannot because of the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You will see in the story I submit how dangerous it can get if the Veterans are not helped with counseling right away. My dad's advice to fellow Veterans "Seek counseling to talk about what happened in War, friends lost, home life, difficulty with reintegration into home life, etc."

For signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder please visit my website under "Warning Signs" also has treatment options for healing www.silencednolonger.com

God Bless each of our Soldiers and keep the families safe!

Leslie Raddatz

Survivor of PTSD

Daughter of a Veteran with PTSD who also suffered from Vietnam Syndrome

Feedback Please! Thank You For Your Interest and Support!

2012-01-07T11:18:00.001-06:00

Good day Facebook, LinkedIn, Blooging and Twitter Friends. Feedback would be appreciated about my website www.silencednolonger.com or blog www.silencednolonger.blogspot.com.

Testimonials of how I am reaching you if you are a survivor, loved one, victim. If I have helped you please write a statement about that or if you would like to see other items/ topics on my website or blog.

It would really help me to know if I am reaching my intended audience and whether or not I am starting to achieve my mission to help others.

Let me know if it is okay to publish your statement on literature, promotional materials, book, etc.

Please email your comments at lraddatz1@gmail.com

Thanks for your support.

Leslie Raddatz
Survivor

Writing Rewriting and Rewriting Again!

2012-01-05T20:54:00.001-06:00

Remember not so long ago I blogged about a book teaser. Well that is no longer the beginning of my book. I wrote the beginning three times with three different approaches. I am sorry but this time no book teaser. You will have to buy the book to see how it starts and ends.

Wow! I am so glad that I hired Janell Moon, http://janellmoon.com / editor and writing coach. I thought once you write the book it is finished.

Since this is my first book, I didn't realize how important it is to have a knowledgeable editor and expert on the writing processes that an author must go through to come up with the final product.

Janell has helped me by giving me her feedback as well as teaching me writing techniques that will keep my book flowing smoothly while keeping my readers attention all the way through.

We just completed the first three chapters and are moving on to the others.

I feel like I could be published in a couple of months at this rate with her helpful support and tips.

Go to her website and see for yourself. She is an author of eleven books and knows how to get published. She enjoys helping others and shares her knowledge of how to get published.

Thanks Janell

Breaking Destructive Patterns!

2011-12-29T22:12:00.000-06:00

This year I need to work hard on breaking the destructive patterns I have of overeating and drinking large amounts of soda, 6-10 sodas per day. These are both patterns I repeat due to my childhood abuse. I get skinny as you see in the photo on this blog which was from 2010 half marathon. When men start to flirt or notice me I become panicked that I will be raped or abused again so then I stop exercising and start eating fast food and large amounts of food and I gain the weight back.

I have gained a lot of weight because I skipped the 1/2 marathon training for 2011. I am now 210 pounds and am a size 18W so I want to get back in shape for the 1/2 marathon, 13.1 miles, for the Fox Cities Half Marathon in September of 2012.

I am confident this year is the year I will be successful in breaking the patterns for good because I have the help of my therapist and psychiatrist, which I didn't have until this year.

This year I am participating in the half marathon to bring awareness to childhood/adult abuse. I will have a shirt made special for my run that will have messages for people to read as they are walking or running.

What is your New Year resolutions? Do you have destructive patterns you would like to break?

How was your Christmas?

2011-12-27T18:46:00.000-06:00

How did everyone do this Christmas?

I did great! I worked more on editing my book. There were two really hard chapters I worked on. I had to take plenty of breaks, did coping exercises and got through it. I can't wait to get my book published because I know it will help so many people understand Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What was your favorite thing this holiday season? Did you have difficulty spending time with some family members? Did you use the coping skills I suggested?

Leslie Raddatz

Ideas To Cope Through The Holiday Season!

2011-12-23T13:15:00.000-06:00

Let's face it we love our families but sometimes they can also be our abusers or our triggers. What can you do to get through the holidays.

If you get triggered and am able to take time for yourself:

1. Go into a quiet room and put some soft music on while you are breathing in deep and releasing it out. Do this several times until your anxiety subsides.

2. Take a walk by yourself while clearing your mind from whatever is triggering you. Re-energize yourself to be able to return to the family feeling relaxed and prepared to face them.

3. If you are unable to leave or get away from a group. Try to sit down and close your eyes while imagining a relaxing place such as a waterfall, trickling down and hitting the rocks gently as the current goes down stream to where you are sitting with your feet in the nice, calm waters. or you may have your own positive imagery to focus on.

4. Maybe having a cup of tea while sitting back watching the Christmas lights twinkle as others are talking.

5. Thinking of reaffirming statements may be will help you.
    *I am safe the trigger is from the past and no one can hurt me anymore.
    *I am in my healing process and am doing fine.
    *I love myself and no one can affect my happiness.

6. If your child within surfaces ask your adult self to comfort her or him by either:
     *with positive imagery of the adult hugging and reassuring the child he or she is safe.
     *having the adult self holding the child in her or his lap while rocking and comforting the child through the trigger.
     *going outside to play with the kids or perhaps joining the children in coloring.

Don't feel guilty if you need to take a break from family to take care of yourself. You are worth it.

If you are able to communicate your needs to your family, do so and follow through on your coping skills. If you are unable to tell them what is going on, then you need to decide if you have coping skills that will help you through the holidays of if you will need to leave earlier than you intended.

Happy Holidays and hope I was able to give you some good suggestions.

Why Do I Behave the Way I Do?

2011-12-21T22:41:00.000-06:00

I was talking to my therapist today and realized I was getting more therapy than I was aware of.

Go to my website: www.silencednolonger.com and under Therapies I Received. There are new resources about different therapies and it may help you with undestanding your trauma, behaviors, destructive patterns, the child within and the many ego states you have and more.

I am so thankful for my therapist because she is not afraid to share resources and information with her patients. It helps when you are armed with information because then you understand yourself better making it easier to cope with triggers when they surface. In my case it is my PTSD symptoms, Conversion and Somatization disorders.

It is really an eye opener. I hope you check it out. You will not be disappointed.

Startle Easy. Fight or Flight Mode!

2011-12-19T18:08:00.000-06:00

Dear Spouse, friends, etc.

If you know someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, don't play jokes on them.

Example: Tonight I went to the store and I was going to my van. My hands were full of groceries and I was trying to find my keys. I hear a tapping noise on the window behind me in the car next to me. I startled and my body went into the Fight or Flight Mode- my adrenaline is still pumping. It was my husband parked next to me that thought it would be funny to meet me at the store.

Unless you have PTSD you don't get it. Something as simple as that can put a person with PTSD in a panic which terrorises them. You can possible get hurt because we don't think we just react to defend ourselves from another attack. If I would have been a solider the person could have been killed because soldiers are trained to kill with their hands if they need to.

On the way home while driving, I zoned out and stopped at what I thought was a four way stop. I stopped in the middle of a highway and the person that was at the stop sign was confused and so was I because I thought I was much further done the hwy than I was.

Before therapy I was always stuck on hyper alert and fight or flight mode so that is why it terrified me so much tonight. My guard was down and I felt safe in my environment. I will have a serious talk with my husband tonight to reaffirm how he can't do that.

Victims or Survivors speak up to your family and friends and set your boundaries of what they can and cannot do, even if it seems silly to them. You have to let them know how it effects you. My husband said but honey you looked right at me. I didn't see it was my husband's car because I was preoccupied with finding my keys.

Even Survivors can have a frightening day and have PTSD symptoms surface. Now tonight I will take good care of myself by practicing deep breathing, hot bath, and go to bed early. Before therapy, I wouldn't of known what to do and I would have been thinking about it all night and possibly have a nightmare about it being my rapist.

So if that is you seek therapy it is worth it. Tomorrow I will be fine.

Our Soliders and PTSD!

2011-12-17T18:15:00.000-06:00

It is upsetting for me to watch the news to see another solider has killed his family, due to his or her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the War.

The army is not doing a good enough job deprograming the soldiers before they go home. They are trained to kill or be killed. They are just expected to go home and act like nothing happened.

What the hell is wrong with the Government?

A lot happened to these poor men and women! They witnessed killings after killings, they fought for their survival every minute while they were in a war zone and while they tried to keep the innocent people safe.

My dad was in the Vietnam War. He was blown out of a jeep because the driver ran over a landmine. He was the only survivor. While he is thrown clear and laying with a broken back a Philippines man walked up to him. My dad thought he was going to be killed but instead this man saved my father's life. He put a cigarette in his mouth and went for help.

That is more than I can say for the army. My dad was drafted and had no choice to enlist but he did the Honorable thing and reported for duty. He was given an Honorable discharge and awarded a Purple Heart for his brave service. He watched alot of his friends die each day.

My dad came home. He was married at 21 years of age and started his family of four daughters. He was living his life happy until the Vietnam Syndrome hit him and our family. It started with the nightmares of the war. He would wake up in a cold sweat while screaming and disoriented. My mom would calm him down reasurring him he is safe. Then it was anger. Then flashbacks into the past and he had a hard time separating the two as he pulled knives on my mom and us, children.

If my mom thought he was going to have a flashback, she would hide us in closets and anywhere she didn't think he would look. We lived in terror as we hear him screaming in the house ordering her to show him where the enemies were, us.

Back then my mom had no support from his family or the Government. Everyone was in denial of Vietnam Syndrome and no army official would admit it existed. My mom found a group of women and a counselor that helped her by instructing her on what to do when my dad flashbacked to the Vietnam War.

Somehow my mom was able to walk up to my dad carefully and take the knives out of his hands. I watched her do this when I was under the age of five years old. It was a repressed memory that recently surfaced with my therapist and I also have PTSD.

Six years ago my dad was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer and was told he had two months to live. They removed one kidney, the head of his pancreas and he also has many tumors on his good kidney and in other parts of his body. My dad thinks it was from Agent Orange exposure.
Thank God his tumors are slow growing and for the moment under control. His red blood cells however are not they are at a four. His doctor is trying to give him shots to help him raise his red blood cells. If they can't improve the count, then my dad will have to start blood transfusions.

When my dad applied for disability through the army. They asked if he had proof he was even in the Vietnam War because they couldn't find his records. My dad took in photos, his orders, draft card, uniform, Purple Heart, proof of medical transport to the US. After he proved he was there, then he was declined three times saying they didn't believe he had PTSD.

My dad fought for 5 1/2 years and finally this year received 90% of his disability from the army. That is only because he had a dedicated psychiatrist and Veteran's advocate that helped my dad through the process and never gave up. We all know why they waited so long. It was because they thought my dad would die and then they wouldn't have to pay out the benefits. My dad is still fighting for the 100% disability.

I wish I knew the man who saved my father because he was brave and kind to risk his life to save my dad's life.

How many more soldiers have to come home unprepared for what they will face and end up killing the family he or she loves? What is the army doing for our current soldiers? Is it anything different from the Vietnam War? It doesn't look like it each time I hear another soldier with PTSD killed his family.

I support each solider and pray for their safety while away at war and for when they come home.

Leslie Raddatz
Suvivor of PTSD

Weird Nightmares

2011-12-16T18:47:00.000-06:00

Before I knew I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I would have strange nightmares:

I had a reoccurring nightmare each time I got pregnant. My rapist's head would be on my baby when the nurses handed the baby to me after giving birth.

I also had a reoccurring dream of me being chased in my wedding dress by a man on a motorcycle. I wished I would have listened to this one before I married my ex-husband.

The strangest dream I had was that people turned into aliens and the only thing that could protect me from them was spraying dish soap on them. Did I mention I could fly.

How about you? What was the strangest dreams or nightmares have you had?

Leslie Raddatz
Ultimate Survivor

Stereotyped and Prejudged!

2011-12-15T23:06:00.000-06:00

I had an experience that left me shocked and outraged. When a person found out I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They said "So since you have PTSD now does that mean you're going to go on disability now!"

This angered, shocked, and took me by surprise because this person was a professional. There are people who need to go on disability sometimes until they can get strong enough to go back into the workforce but I feel it is not right for people to assume or prejudge others.

I wrote this person a letter telling them how I felt. This person probably doesn't understand PTSD to know that not all people lose their job or have to stop working because of their illness.

Have you had a similar situation happen to you after people found out your diagnosis?

Website Changes

2011-12-06T19:41:00.000-06:00

My website now has photos of me that tells a story of the child and the adult I have become. www.silencednolonger.com

I also have my collages from Art Therapy and affirmation cards.

Leslie

Max Tucci Radio Show

2011-12-04T21:03:00.000-06:00

Dear Supporters,

I have been rescheduled with no new date yet.

I will let you know when the new date will be as soon as his producers let me know.

They are looking for more PTSD survivors to be part of the show along with me.

Leslie Raddatz

Very Strong Message Is Now Added to My Website!

2011-12-04T12:06:00.000-06:00

Please go to the first page of my website at www.silencednolonger.com

It needs no introduction.

It is a CALL TO ACTION!

Leslie Raddatz
Ultimate Survivor

Supporters Accessing Website and Blog from all over the world!

2011-12-03T21:03:00.067-06:00

Dear Supporters,

So far I have people accessing from the following countries:

My blog: United States, Russia, Canada, Germany, United Kingdom, Austria, Malaysia, France, Italy, Ukraine, Brazil, Romania, Ireland, Japan, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Pakistan, Jamaica, Netherlands, China, Spain, Uganda, Mexico, Czech Republic, United Arab Emirates, India, Kenya, and Latvia, Oman, Nigeria, Thailand, Georgia, Australia, Poland, Indonesia, Columbia, Switzerland, Portugal, Sweden, Philippines, Turkey, South Africa, Saudi Arabia,South Korea, Venezuela, Thailand, Cambodia, New Zealand.

My website: www.silencednolonger.com

USA- Wisconsin, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, Florida, Oregon, Massachusetts, Missouri, Michigan, Illinois, North Carolina, South Carolina, Connecticut, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Maryland, Texas, California, Colorado, Idaho, Virginia, Tennessee, New York, Ohio, Arkansas, Washington, Maine, Arizona, New Jersey, Utah, Montana, Nevada, Minnesota, Alabama, North Dakota and Iowa, Mexico

Canada
Brazil
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Europe -Iceland, Russia, UK,

Australia- Australia

Asia-Iran, India, Philippines, Hong Kong, Pakistan, United Arab Emirates, Turkey

Africa- Kenya

I love the support I am receiving. If you would like to make a comment or ask me questions, please email me at lraddatz1@gmail.com

Thank you for your comments!

Leslie Raddatz
The Ultimate Survivor

My Writing Process!

2011-11-30T14:40:00.003-06:00

I started my therapists appointments and started to journal each visit I had. I memorized what was said so that I could include the dialogue between me and my therapist in my journal so I could remember what she said to do for coping and also the kind and reassuring words she said. It wasn't my fault. She was sorry all of these abusers hurt me, etc.

My memories were repressed for 20 years. I had the outline of my life but no details to support what I knew happened to me. I had no feelings connected to it. I was numb. I didn't feel a thing. My first visit with my therapist was strange because I started out by telling her I think you will think I am crazy but I have had nine abusers in my life. She looked at me and said, "I believe you because children that grow up with abuse don't know how to find non abusive relationships so they get abused repeatedly"

Right away I felt better and that I could trust my therapist. She explained that people with PTSD live in the past with flashbacks, body memories and smells, sounds sight can trigger more flashbacks because all those memories during trauma were not processed correctly in our brain. Those memories remained on the right side of our brain where their is emotions that tell us it is in the present and we are still in danger. The left side of the brain is where their is logic and this tells us that it happened in the past and we are safe. She then explained that EMDR and Brainspotting therapies that takes these memories from the right side of our brain to the left side to reprocess the abuses and trauma so our brain will recognize the traumas and abuse happened in the past which takes away the PTSD symptoms, and makes us realize it happened in the past and those people can no longer hurt us. This is how I was able to recover and heal.

When the EMDR and Brain spotting therapies started, that is when the memories instead of coming one by one, it flooded all at once and it overwhelmed me. The pages I wrote in my journal was actual events I was reliving through the flashbacks, body memories, and out of control symptoms of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My environment around me became unsafe to me because it felt like the abuse was happening in the present because for a victim of PTSD you are stuck in the past while under flashbacks and are feeling the child within as she feels unsafe. You regress back to her.

An example, I was at a picnic with my family for my daughter's school. They all went out to play on the playground. As I was enjoying watching the children play, I had an overpowering smell of wood chips and the panic set in as I scanned frantically for my friend's dad seeing if he was there to hurt all these children. I panicked as my flashback came and I witness again my friend being molested by her dad and him repeating the words daddy loves you. I could see his creepy actions and hear his voice. I had to leave immediately and it ruin the time with my kids. They were angry because they couldn't understand what was happening. I kept looking behind me because I felt like he was chasing me and I was in danger of being hurt. What they didn't realize was at that time I was only 8 years old.

The only time I had to write in a notebook was when I was in the hospital and had no computer. The rest of the book was free flowing naturally on the computer. I would spend sometimes four hour just to write one chapter about the abuser I was dealing with at that time in therapy. Describing in detail the abuse, layout of the room, smells, the hurt my body endured and how I coped. During this time of writing, I was releasing tears, grieving my childhood, feeling angry, sad, etc. When I would get tired, dizzy and disoriented, I would take a break to sleep. Then I would get back up and continue. Also I felt how alone I was because I told no one, I kept all my abusers secretes locked away for 20 years until I kept becoming ill.

When I got to the emergency stage of healing it became clear to me that I had to write my story and to publish a book to help others like me. Teach parents not to blindly trust other parents with their children unless they really personally knew them. Show them that sexual, physical, emotional abuse, and parental neglect has lasting affects on the adult that grows up abused with no self worth, self esteem and because of that makes bad choices and ends up abusing themselves with repeating destructive patterns.

I feel this is what made my book really good because it really gives the reader a first hand experience of what I had to endure to fight back and to survive the flood.

Leslie Raddatz
Ultimate Survivor

Website: www.silencednolonger.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002842726485#!/profile.php?id=100002842726485
Twitter: www.twitter.com Log In and search for lraddatz1@
Linked In: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/?first=Leslie&last=Raddatz&search=Go

Private Email: fanmailforleslieraddatz@gmail.com for those who would like to talk in private or would like to comment or talk to me about their experiences.

Warning Signs and Health Issues of My PTSD

2011-11-28T17:19:00.001-06:00

I have set up my website at www.silencednolonger.com

It has all the Warning Signs and Health Issues I experienced for 11 years. It is from the start of my symptoms that I ignored until the end where I couldn't hide it anymore.

Please go to my website and read them and see how many you might have experienced.

This could also be true for other mental illnesses because some of the warning signs and health issues was because of my other two disorders: Conversion and Somatization Disorders.

Leslie Raddatz
Ultimate Survivor

2 The Max Radio Show Interview Tomorrow!

2011-11-26T18:16:00.003-06:00

Flashbacks in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood

I started writing my book in March 2011, while struggling with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that I developed due to childhood neglect and abuse, and have now finished it.

The book is about surviving the flood of memories, PTSD symptoms, healing, educating others about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and reclaiming my life. The book allows readers to go into the therapists’ office with me and to experience my therapies that helped me to heal. I hope that my story will help others step forward if they are not receiving the help they need or help loved ones encourage family who are struggling with mental illness.

Award winning author of nonfiction books, Janell Moon, http://janellmoon.com, who authored eleven books, has agreed to be my editor. She lives in California, is also a counselor and believes strongly that my book will help others.

I have also been blessed to receive an invitation to tell my story and promote my book on the Max Tucci radio show in Los Angeles by means of telephone interview. This will occur tomorrow, Sunday, November 27, 2011, at 8:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time at www.LAtalkRadio.com To listen live, press the “Listen Live” button and choose the channel that Max and Friends are on channel 1.

Tune in and show your support for me and my book. Thank you so much!

Worst Moments in Our Life Transform........

2011-11-26T13:08:00.005-06:00

I wanted to share something that one of my facebook friends said:

Always amazed at how God takes the worst moments of our lives & transform them into platforms for us to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

I know what you mean. God lead me through my life where I suffered so much pain. I wasn't sure what his plan was for me but on March 2011, God showed me what he wanted me to do. It was to write a book: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Surviving Through The Flood. It is about how I survived many abusers, parental neglect and how I live with PTSD, Conversion and Somatization Disorders because of all the abuse.

My book will hopefully inspire/empower all the victiums, survivors and loved ones to come together and spread the word that "WE WILL NO LONGER BE SILENT!" "WE ARE TAKING BACK OUR VOICE, POWER, AND STRENGTH TO DEFEAT OUR ABUSERS!"

Her response:

Oh Leslie, I am so proud of your courage and transparency! It truly is only when we know who we are in Jesus that we can walk to help others! Congratulations on your new book! Indeed, for just a time as this!

Mental Illness Is Hard to Talk About!

2011-11-25T17:43:00.000-06:00

I noticed on my blog that I only have 8 followers but 789 pages were viewed. People from US, Russia, Austria, Netherlands, Ireland, France, Canada, Germany, United Kingdom, Italy and Japan. This made me think about the survivors or victims or loved ones that may be afraid to share.

I know that for some people it is hard to talk in public about mental health issues, symptoms or to ask questions in public such as on blogs, facebook, twitter, etc. Some people are professionals and are not ready to be visible, or afraid that coworkers or their boss will think less of them or will use it against them.

So I set up a private email account that is designed for those people to have a private conversation with me. These emails will not be public to anyone and will be kept confidential. The email address is fanmailforleslieraddatz@gmail.com

If there is a subject that I feel could benefit all the followers, I may talk about it on the blog but only use myself for examples.

Please feel free to write me to ask questions or comment about my blog, etc.

You could also use me as a person to talk to during your emergency stages of healing. I know this was the hardest phase of healing for me and that I needed to talk to people other than my family. It helps if the person you are talking to is a survivor and understands what you are going through.

Leslie Raddatz
The Ultimate Survivor

Thanksgiving Thanks To All of You!

2011-11-23T22:30:00.002-06:00

I am thankful this year for God helping me to survive the flood of memories that almost swept me away while facing my fears, abusers, learning to love myself and being able to get in touch with the child within to help her heal. I can't believe how my life has changed thanks to my therapists and psychiatrist and all the people I met along my healing journey.

I am thankful for finding Janell Moon, editor, of my book. I am also excited that Max Tucci is going to have me on his radio show in LA. I will keep everyone updated on the day it will air.

I am also thankful for all my followers on twitter, facebook, linked in, and this blog. It shows me that people are supporting me in my journey to tell my story while helping other victims, survivors, and people who may not know they need help yet.

If you have a loved one that has similar symptoms like me, please have them read my blog so they can make the decision to seek help.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Feeling of Complete Terror!

2011-11-22T05:30:00.002-06:00

Having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder makes the person feel like the trauma is still in the present day. The flashbacks start and the terror intensifies and spins out of control. Until you get help from a therapist to reprocess that memory, your brain doesn't recognizes that you are safe because you are an adult. Here is a poem I wrote that demonstrates how much terror I used to have when I had to stay home alone after dark. I never told my husband. I suffered alone.

Home Alone

She kisses her husband good-bye as he leaves the house. She smiles as she hides her feelings from him. As the sun goes down, she keeps herself busy by doing routine housework, playing with the children and preparing them for bed.

As she sits in a chair, her eyes begin to droop and her head becomes heavy. She is forced to lower her guard to sleep. She lays her head down and as she gets comfortable a disturbing thought comes to mind. As time goes by, it becomes more disturbing.

The thoughts that haunt her are from her past. She fears being alone because a man violated her. She hears a noise and starts to panic because she visualizes the perpetrator is in the house and the fear of being a victim again is too much to bear.

She thinks of what she will do if a man appears to harm her. She looks quickly around the room to find a weapon. She sits quietly in the darkness of her bedroom as she anticipates her next move. Her heart starts to beat fast and her adrenaline kicks in as she remembers her children are upstairs asleep. Her motherly instinct takes over as she puts her life in danger by running out of her room into the hallway and running up the steps to defend her children. When she reaches her children they are sleeping safely in their beds, without a care in the world.

As she calms herself, she sits by their bedside wondering what they are dreaming about. She watches them in envy because her sleep is never sweet. She hears a noise downstairs and jumps then hears a familiar voice say “Honey I’m home” she takes a deep breath and walks downstairs to meet her husband, her protector, her love.

It only took one session with the EMDR and brain spotting to reprocess/remove this fear. I am not afraid anymore to stay home alone. I enjoy the time now because I can relax. I suffered for 11 years as my symptoms of PTSD was building inside of me.

If you are experiencing a similar situation, you need to seek help by a therapist because this isn't normal behavior. It is a sign that something traumatic happened to you. For me it was being raped at 14 years old so when I was left alone at night that is the age that I would regress to. I am so happy that I don't regress anymore and have overcome this fear.

GREAT NEWS TO SHARE!

2011-11-19T11:13:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share with you that I found an editor for my book. She lives in San Francisco, California and is an author of 11 books. Her name is Janell Moon. Check her out on her websites http://redroom.com/member/janell-moon/bio and http://janellmoon.com/. If you are interested in her being your editor or writing coach, her email janellmoon@gmail.com

Last night, I was contacted by Max Tucci and he extended an invitation to be a guest on his radio show in LA. He knows my story is worth telling and can reach all of us, Victims and Survivors. I am honored and I have accepted his invitation. I will talk with him later today for details. Check out his websites http://www.maxtucci.com and http://www.latalkradio.com/Max.php

This just shows all of us ,Victims and Survivors, that God has a plan for us. I prayed to God really hard through all my suffering and on my healing journey to please show me his plan so that I could remain courageous, strong, and stay a positive person while keeping my true identity intact by not letting my abusers change the loving, kind person that I am through it all.

With the prayer support of over 300 nuns that I work for, God finally has answered my prayers and shown me his plan. It is to tell my story so other Victims and Survivors will not lose hope, strength and their identity when things feel really hopeless and like they can't fight any longer.

I know I felt like that many times through my emergency stages of my healing process. Stay strong while either still trying to release yourself from the abuser(s) control or if it is going through the healing journey like me with:

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) flashbacks where it takes you out of the present and brings you back to your place in time of your abuse. Mine started at 3 years old and ended at the age of 23.
Body memories- feeling the abuse in the present when I knew my abuser(s) weren't there in the room while feeling the rape and molestation, over and over again.
Smelling the scent of my abuser(s) as if they were in the room or smelling wood chips, cool ranch Doritos, perfume and nail polish that triggered me to flash back to my abuse
Hearing sounds such as loud or repeating sounds or words, or hearing motorcycles or a door slamming that triggered me to another flashback
Seeing visual set ups of every room that I was victimized in, and more!

Also surviving the Conversion and Somatization disorders while experiencing strange unexplained symptoms that made the doctors prejudge, mistreat, mock, ignore and dismissed me as a hypochondriac. I understand all of you, Victims and Survivors, please remember you know what is happening to your body only you can feel it. Don't let ignorant people who do not have a clue what we are experiencing make you feel crazy or ashamed for trying to seek help.

Don't give up keep trying to reach out for help through the Domestic Abuse Center, or Rape Crisis center, Suicide Hotline, or finally finding a therapist and Psychiatrist. I reached out to the Domestic Abuse Center, then it took me 13 years later, this year, to finally reach out to my therapist and psychiatrist. I was so scared I was going crazy because that was how the doctors made me feel.

Remember you are worth every moment of your healing process. I can tell you by being on the other side of the healing journey. It feels so good to live again with no more flashbacks, body memories, sensitivity to smells, noises etc. I know that their may be times where something will come back or possibly a new abuser will come to light but I know I was able to heal once that I can do it again and again until all of my abusers are powerless and I have taken back all of my body, mind and spirit.

Thank you to all my mentors, college instructors, family, Counseling and Art Therapists, and my Psychiatrist for all your loving and understanding support. I couldn't have achieved what I have without you.

Leslie Raddatz

The Ultimate Survivor of PTSD

Prejudging Others

2011-11-17T20:41:00.000-06:00

Have you ever looked at someone in our society that looks different than you and prejudged them?

For example;

The girl with the piercing in her eye brows, tongue, and lip or the person with purple hair?
How about the girl that wears tight fitting clothing, heavy make up, and acts sexual toward boys, and hates the girls?
How about the young teenage mother who has to be on welfare to survive?

Were you one of these people or were you the one who judged the person without knowing their individual circumstances?

I was two out of the three:

I was the girl wearing the tight fitting clothes to get the attention of all the boys while the girls called me slut, whore, and bitch. My circumstances were the fact I didn't feel loved by my parents, or had no role model. My family was very dysfunctional and I was raped and abused most of my life. In my eyes I was searching for love and companionship. I was codependent and didn't feel worth anything unless I had a boyfriend. I didn't see that what I was doing to my self was destructive. I was so broken that I turned on myself and continued to abuse myself.

The young mother had to be on welfare to feed her baby and to survive. While abusing myself, I meant a guy I thought I loved so we planned our family. I was 18 years old a junior in high school. I though a baby would fill the void I felt. After I became pregnant, I panicked because I didn't think of the consequences of my actions or the fact I had no means to support the baby. My only alternative was to go on welfare.

Were you the person who glared at me and my baby in the check out line at the grocery store as I counted my food stamps out. or Where you the one that offered me a helping hand when I was a few dollars short? Or Were you the person who assumed I would be on welfare forever.

By the way I was the one who beat the odds that were stacked against me. I ended up with a Bachelors in Business Administration and Bachelors in Marketing. Also have two degrees from a technical college. I stayed in school for seven years because I enjoyed feeling the achievement of graduating. I didn't know how to feel this way in any other way. Yes, my hefty student loans will take the rest of my life to pay off but I wanted to do right by my children and make something of myself so they could be proud of their mother.

Instead of judging people in similar situations or who look different than you do, I challenge you to be kind and understanding because they get enough abuse by hating themselves for the choices they have made.

Feeling of Not Belonging Anywhere!

2011-11-16T02:41:00.000-06:00

I wrote this poem when I was 16 years old. I was in high school and the girls were so mean, calling me names not wanting to socialize with me because I was a freshman and came from a poor family. Again there is still bullying in high school. Students thought it was funny to put freshman on the bubblier or sell them a elevator pass. I felt like I went from a place, Middle School, where I had friends to a place I no longer recognized, High School, where no one liked me. The friends that used to be my friends all of a sudden over the summer became enemies? Why? What happened over the summer? Nothing, it was all about clothes, status, if your parents had money or not. The friends you used to have sleepovers with and knew your family, weakness, etc. used it against you to be cool.

A Place Unknown

Her I am all alone

In a place so unknown
There I stand looking
Around feeling lost in a
Place so unknown

Forever I stand all alone

Away from the crowd feeling abandoned
And lost like a mouse I scurry
To my place all alone

Where no one can hurt me or

Make me feel sad, everyday
I become stronger and happier
Someday, somehow I’ll feel
Not alone

By: Leslie Raddatz copyrighted 1992

I saw people I used to be friends with doing drugs, inhaling air fresheners, and drinking. I always wondered what changed in their lives for them to be doing those things. It was very alarming to me so I stay all alone. I felt I needed to become a tough kind of girl to survive high school so the bullies would leave me alone. If you are loud and act tough they seemed to back down.

How was your high school years? Were you the popular person, nerd, or a loner, etc? The popular students that disrespected you and bullied you, where are they today? Do you even attend your class reunions? Are the popular students happy in their lives or was their life over after high school?

I finally felt accepted in college because everyone matured and there were many new people that didn't know you, your family, your "status". I had those middle school friends who were my enemies in high school return to trying to be friendly to me in college.

Did you do something to a student you wish you could take back and apologize? Well know is your chance with facebook you should be able to find and connect with them. Who knows maybe whatever you did or said to them affected their life even as an adult and just by you saying your sorry could repair the hurt they have been carrying inside for years.

Childhood Bullying

2011-11-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

Tonight I want to share a part of my book - Silenced No Longer. This is out of Chapter 6:

At first it was very difficult to make new friends and it broke my heart with every insult and name-calling I received from the children who didn’t know me but had an opinion of me. I had brown hair, glasses, my eyes looked funny because they were crossed, I had a scar on my face from an accident and I also talked a little different because my accident almost caused half of my tongue to be cut off. The children would call me four eyes, say I was ugly while they would cross their eyes to match what they saw when they looked at me. They would mimic how I talked and told me they hated me as they pushed me to the ground. I felt so sad and self-conscious and decided to avoid everyone and play by myself. I told myself I didn’t need any friends.

I bet that everyone has been bullied in some way. Even with the Bully Buster Campaign now in schools my daughters still were bullied. Why do children do this to each other? This was one of the memories I carried with me that hurt deep inside. I always needed to find acceptance. I wanted everyone to like me so I was always in agreement. I never had my own opinion. If someone didn't like me, I would try to find out why so I could fix myself so they would like me. I think this is what started my low self-esteem and self worth issues that allowed others to abuse me.

Please think about your childhood and comment on your example of being bullied.

First Symptom That Something Was Wrong

2011-11-13T08:03:00.001-06:00

Today, I wanted to share with you the first episode I experienced that told me something was really wrong with me. It was 11 years ago while I was at work. I was a receptionist in a nursing home. It was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me. This was the start of my body warning me to break the silence or I would become ill.

Panic

As a woman races around the office ensuring to meet each deadline, she stops in her tracks and experiences a loss of control.

As she spins herself in place, she looks around the room. Her knees become weak and she falls to the ground.

She experiences dizziness, disorientation; her chest seems to be tightening, and as her air is leaving her body, she struggles to breath. As she lies on the floor, she is temporarily paralyzed.

As people rush to her aid, they are talking to her but she cannot hear them.

Suddenly, she feels the air seeping back into her lungs, as she takes a deep breath her heart starts to slow, her chest stops hurting, and her hearing is restored.

She hears a voice ask if she is all right. She replies, “Yes, it was just a panic attack”, as if it was a normal part of everyone’s life.

in The Healing Voice by the Center for Creative Arts and Healing in Syracuse, NY.

Before this I had panic attacks but not this severe. I would have episodes where I would get warm and my heart would beat fast but I would breathe through them and they didn't last long. I went to the doctor because I thought there was a problem with my heart. He told me know it was just a panic attack from stress so I though it was normal until more and more symptoms started to surface.

What scary symptoms or episodes have you experienced that gave you a clue that something was wrong with you? How long did it take you to seek help?

Coping with Triggers, Flashbacks and Body Memories

2011-11-12T06:49:00.001-06:00

There are some triggers that are harder than others to control and resolve quickly. One of the coping skills I learned is when I get triggered, and it is a really bad one, I use an item from my safe bag. I developed my safe bag during my emergency stages of my healing process. I would get so wrapped up in the trigger that it would get so out of control that the flashbacks would come, then body memories would follow. Before I knew it, I would be crying for hours unable to stop the terror of reliving my trauma of sexual abuse over and over again. I would forget everything I learned in therapy because the trigger was so strong and I was no longer in the present with my adult self. I was in the past as the little girl.

You can develope your own safe bag. It is personalalized to the individual. The items inside are things to remind you of your emergency plan. I have a notebook with reminders on how to cope:

1. Remember to find a safe place by yourself and to breathe in and out slowly.

2. Remind the adult self to come in to comfort the child within that is experiencing the trauma. The child needs reassurance the bad people are gone and that she is safe. You just gently talk to that child until your, child within, is fully integrated into the adult again and you return to the present time.

3. Items inside my bag includes a candle, tea, bath salts, and healing lotion. These items remind me to take care of myself during this time.

4. I also have a notebook for journaling to remind myself what the trigger was, what I experienced during the episode and my feelings. This was used for my next appointment with the therapist. We would retrigger me in the safety of her office to work with the EMDR and brainspotting therapies to reprocess the trigger. By reprocessing the trigger it either made it less or resolve it completely.

5.I also have a binder called: Leslie's Healing Journey for the Mind, Body and Spirit. This reminded me that the trigger, flashbacks, and body memories would pass. I would look in the binder to see how far I have come in my healing process. There are affirmation cards, art therapy collages, articles, and coping worsheets from my hosptial stay.

All of these things help me to cope during an episode. I have been in my healing journey for 9 months so my triggers, flashbacks and body memories are most of the time under control but there are times that I still need my emergency bag. I take it everywhere I go because having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder anything in my environment can trigger me such as a smell, touch, sound, objects, etc.

What are you going to put in your emergency bag? Remember these items can be anything that makes you feel happy, safe, and will help you recover from your trigger and bring you back to the present time so that you are not stuck in the past too long experiencing your trauma.

SH SH Don't Tell

2011-11-11T02:47:00.002-06:00

I want to share with you today a poem I wrote when I was young. I think with my children being sexually abused by their step-brother it triggered this little girl, me, in this poem.

Sh Sh Don’t Tell

A young brown haired girl with a blue dress sits anxiously in the front row. As she heard what the speaker had to say, she started to fidget nervously with her dress. The more she heard the worse she became.

The speaker started to move about the room, as she looked down her eyes saw the young girl, quickly the girl bowed her head to hide the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. She felt like the speaker understood what was happening to her.

The young girl wanted to tell her what has happened but felt trapped because she promised her best friend she wouldn’t tell. As she looked nervously around the room her friend’s eyes met hers and she pleaded to break the silence, but her friend shook her head and turned away from her with disapproval.

She continued to sit quietly as she saw the woman demonstrate the bad touches on a doll. She learned that it was wrong what her friend’s brother was doing but was unable to tell in fear her friendship would end.

Copyrighted by Leslie Raddatz, author.

This poem Sh Sh Don’t Tell was published in The Healing Voice by the Center for Creative Arts and Healing in Syracuse, NY in 2004.

In this poem a reason I didn't tell was the bond I had with my friend which is called the trauma bond. I also felt guilty and ashamed for what was happening to me. I was in second grade when I was molested by my friend's brother.

What were your reasons for not telling?

Why Do Victims Stay Quiet?

2011-11-10T16:16:00.000-06:00

Why do you think victims stay quiet?

It is because our justice system is so broken that we end up on stage instead of our abusers. I feel in my case the system failed me because of the statute of limitations and my PTSD diagnosis but there is no excuse for my children to be failed as well.

I am really struggling tonight. I need words of encouragement that all my suffering was not for nothing and the fight I have been fighting for my children hasn't been for nothing. I am losing faith in the justice system completely.

Fellow survivors please comment. I really need your words of support because I know you understand what I am going through.

Trauma Break Through

2011-11-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

I just got home from a therapy session. I have EMDR and Brainspotting therapy done each week to reprocess my trauma memories while helping me to heal. I have been having a hard time losing weight and keeping it off for the past 11 years. I know there are more women out there that may have the same problem and may have a similar story. It is okay to share. I am listening.

For the past two years, I would train for a half marathon and start losing weight.(see profile photo) I would go from a size 18W to 12 size in pants. After the half marathon and as soon as men started to notice me, I stopped exercising. I would go back to my destructive pattern of eating large amounts of food to gain the weight back. I felt like I was not safe to be skinny or to look good. I felt like I was unsafe and being fat made me feel safe. It seemed to reassure me that no one would hurt me because they wouldn't be attracted to me. "I wouldn't be asking for it." I am currently 203 pounds.

Tonight my counselor and I were able to find one of the reasons why. It went back to my memory of being raped when I was fourteen years old by my boyfriend at the time. He was a junior in high school and I was an 8th grader. This also is part of the parental neglect I talk about in my book. My parents didn't care where I was and who I was with. They had no clue. I loved and trusted him and before him I was a virgin. We had sex a few times and then one night he did something very odd.

He told me that someone accused his brother of rape as he swung the door shut and rushed towards me while saying "If anyone said that about me I woudl kill them." I felt very scared, on guard, confused, and I felt the need to go home but that was not an option. He lived many miles out of town. He started to kiss me and try to lay me down on the bed and I told him "NO"but he didn't listen as he raped me.

He told me it was my fault for being so sexy and it was the clothes I was wearing. He told me, "You know you want me. Give it a chance." "You were asking for it. You are so sexy." It was very painful what he did to me. I was in shock and scared. I tried a few times to get up but he restrained me by pressing firmly down with his arm cutting off my air then I gave up and didn't fight back. I just waited for it to be over. When it was all over he took some of my public hair and put it in a plastic container saying. "This is where I put all my bitches." At that moment, I knew I wasn't the only one he did this to.

He drove me home and that was how he broke up with me. As he left me confused, scared, and in pain on my front lawn. He said, "You remember what I told you." I nodded. I went into my house and told no one. I tried to tell my counselor at school at age 16 and he showed me a life threatening consequence which is explained in my book.

I never told another person until this year and I am 34 years old. When this repressed memory came back that was when I was hosptialized and put on medication because it was too much for me to bear. After he raped me, he also stalked me for four years at every place I worked. He wanted to make sure I kept my mouth shut. He would be with another young girl and they would laugh at my terrified look as I saw him. I couldn't help but think that she would be his next victium

When I got out of the hospital, I went to the police station and reported the rape. There was no justice for me because it was passed the statute of limitations. I felt my report would help other victiums if they were brave enough to report it. The officer said mine was the first reported. All I can say is that day, July 18, 2011, I broke the silence and continued as I made the decision to write my book. I hope to share my book with all of you once it gets published. This was one of many abuses I endured and survived.

What Precious Children Do

2011-11-06T00:29:00.000-05:00

My son, 4 years old, was running in the house. I told him as he ran by me that he was running so fast that his pants were on fire. He immediately yelled, "I know what to do." He said, "stop, drop and roll". He giggled as he demonstrated it on the floor. Then he stood up and said, "Is it all out mommy." My husband and I both laughed as he explained that he was taught to do that on his field trip to the fire station. He went on to tell us how important it is to check our batteries in the smoke alarms and that we all have to meet outside if there is a fire and to call 911. I was so proud of him as he showed me on the phone what 911 looked like without pushing the actual buttons of course.

That was a moment that I would have probably missed if I was still stuck on survive, which I was for 11 years as symptoms started to build inside of me and I hid it from my family until I couldn't anymore. I thank God everyday I made the choice to get help so I could reclaim my life and stop missing out on happy moments that make you stop and appreciate a child's precious innocence.

Triggers and Flashbacks

2011-11-05T09:02:00.000-05:00

Take one trigger/flashback at a time and learn new coping skills. Remember your family may not understand what you are going through so try hard not to get angry with them instead find you support group. They will help you through the emergency stages of healing and will understand what you are going through. Take the small steps towards healing because it is worth it. It is a difficult and scary road but you will make it. I am on the other side now and it is great to finally be able to live again and spend precious time with my family. There are still times I struggle but the valuable coping skills I learned helped me so much that it doesn't disrupt my life as much as it used to.

Comment As

2011-11-03T20:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Peers and Survivors,

My advice to you is if you want to leave a comment. Choose the Anonymous choice on the drop down arrow and press post comment. Then it will post.

When I tried to answer one of the bloggers and pressed google it didn't work and my message was erased. How upsetting.

Leslie

Don't Be Afraid to Share- No Judgment Here. This is a safe place!

2011-11-03T10:14:00.000-05:00

I know that this information for a lot of people is personal and they may not want to share. I have high hopes for this blog to be a place where you can break your silence, be empowered and inspired and to find the support and understanding you need to start your healing process by reaching out to fellow peers/survivors.

There is a place at the bottom of the screen that you can use to write your comment as: use drop down arrow to choose the option anonymous. Then no one will know who you are and you still can participate by sharing your experiences, receiving feedback or ideas to help you cope with your diagnosis or diagnoses.

So I will start over my name is Leslie Raddatz and I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Conversion and Somatization Disorders, as well. These disorders were developed to help my body and mind cope with the after affects of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and childhood neglect that I endured from the age of 3 years old until 23 years old. I suffered for 11 years with symptoms I couldn't explain. I thought I was going crazy so I hid it from my friends, and family until my body didn't allow me to anymore. I started to lose control of my anger and had anger, panic, and anxiety outbursts for no reason, I started to detach from family because I didn’t want to hurt them and I was afraid that they would leave me, so by detaching myself I thought if they left I wouldn’t grieve their loss. I am very lucky to have a dedicated husband and family that didn’t happen. They stayed by my side and I received the help I needed.

I felt so much comfort once I reached out to fellow survivors because I couldn't reach out to family right away because I thought I was going crazy but I wasn't I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and by repressing memories and keeping it all stuffed inside. I became ill.

One example I was shopping at Wal-Mart with my son and I had all the symptoms of a stroke, lost my ability to speak, read, lost my memory, and was numb on one side of my body. I didn’t know the date, year or president, who could forget the president’s name. The worst part was my 18 month old son was in the cart and I forgot he was my son. Anything could have happened to him. What happened was my Conversion Disorder surfaced to protect my mind so I wouldn’t have a mental break down, but instead my body broke down. I stuffed so many secrets of my abusers’ in my mind and body that my body couldn't handle the burden anymore so it made me physically ill. The Somatization Disorder- is the physical symptoms are present and I was experiencing them and they are real but the doctors cannot find a cause for my symptoms. This is where you get the doctors who are rude to you because they prejudge you and it isn’t fair. I told the ER doctor in confidence that “My friend had a stroke recently and I wasn’t taking any chances so that is why I came in.” I overhead the doctors telling the nurse that “Her friend had a stroke so now she thinks she is having one too, as they all laughed at my expense. I felt humiliated and in an hour I had full recall of my memory and my body was restored to normal. My Psychiatrist said that the stress, anxiety got to such a high level that my body needed to take a break so that is what it did. That is why it is important for you to take care of yourself and to learn coping skills.

Silenced No Longer

2011-11-01T22:28:00.002-05:00

My name is Leslie Raddatz. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Conversion and Somatization Disorders which are all the after affects of parental neglect, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I am starting this blog to connect with other Peers/Survivors of abuse and traumas.

I am not going to hide my diagnoses anymore because it is part of who I am. I have learned to cope with my symptoms and difficulties that I experience each day. I will be Silenced No Longer about the abuse I endured and I will no longer keep my abusers' secrets. I am taking my personal power, body, mind, and spirit back from my abusers.

I would like to start out by asking my followers - What is your diagnosis or diagnoses? How were you diagnosed? What were the circumstances that led you to get diagnosed?

If you are not diagnosed with anything but are having troubling symptoms, what are you experiencing?