My memories were repressed for 20 years. I had the outline of my life but no details to support what I knew happened to me. I had no feelings connected to it. I was numb. I didn't feel a thing. My first visit with my therapist was strange because I started out by telling her I think you will think I am crazy but I have had nine abusers in my life. She looked at me and said, "I believe you because children that grow up with abuse don't know how to find non abusive relationships so they get abused repeatedly"
Right away I felt better and that I could trust my therapist. She explained that people with PTSD live in the past with flashbacks, body memories and smells, sounds sight can trigger more flashbacks because all those memories during trauma were not processed correctly in our brain. Those memories remained on the right side of our brain where their is emotions that tell us it is in the present and we are still in danger. The left side of the brain is where their is logic and this tells us that it happened in the past and we are safe. She then explained that EMDR and Brainspotting therapies that takes these memories from the right side of our brain to the left side to reprocess the abuses and trauma so our brain will recognize the traumas and abuse happened in the past which takes away the PTSD symptoms, and makes us realize it happened in the past and those people can no longer hurt us. This is how I was able to recover and heal.
When the EMDR and Brain spotting therapies started, that is when the memories instead of coming one by one, it flooded all at once and it overwhelmed me. The pages I wrote in my journal was actual events I was reliving through the flashbacks, body memories, and out of control symptoms of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My environment around me became unsafe to me because it felt like the abuse was happening in the present because for a victim of PTSD you are stuck in the past while under flashbacks and are feeling the child within as she feels unsafe. You regress back to her.
An example, I was at a picnic with my family for my daughter's school. They all went out to play on the playground. As I was enjoying watching the children play, I had an overpowering smell of wood chips and the panic set in as I scanned frantically for my friend's dad seeing if he was there to hurt all these children. I panicked as my flashback came and I witness again my friend being molested by her dad and him repeating the words daddy loves you. I could see his creepy actions and hear his voice. I had to leave immediately and it ruin the time with my kids. They were angry because they couldn't understand what was happening. I kept looking behind me because I felt like he was chasing me and I was in danger of being hurt. What they didn't realize was at that time I was only 8 years old.
The only time I had to write in a notebook was when I was in the hospital and had no computer. The rest of the book was free flowing naturally on the computer. I would spend sometimes four hour just to write one chapter about the abuser I was dealing with at that time in therapy. Describing in detail the abuse, layout of the room, smells, the hurt my body endured and how I coped. During this time of writing, I was releasing tears, grieving my childhood, feeling angry, sad, etc. When I would get tired, dizzy and disoriented, I would take a break to sleep. Then I would get back up and continue. Also I felt how alone I was because I told no one, I kept all my abusers secretes locked away for 20 years until I kept becoming ill.
When I got to the emergency stage of healing it became clear to me that I had to write my story and to publish a book to help others like me. Teach parents not to blindly trust other parents with their children unless they really personally knew them. Show them that sexual, physical, emotional abuse, and parental neglect has lasting affects on the adult that grows up abused with no self worth, self esteem and because of that makes bad choices and ends up abusing themselves with repeating destructive patterns.
I feel this is what made my book really good because it really gives the reader a first hand experience of what I had to endure to fight back and to survive the flood.
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