Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Feeling of Not Belonging Anywhere!

I wrote this poem when I was 16 years old.  I was in high school and the girls were so mean, calling me names not wanting to socialize with me because I was a freshman and came from a poor family. Again there is still bullying in high school.  Students thought it was funny to put freshman on the bubblier or sell them a elevator pass.  I felt like I went from a place, Middle School, where I had friends to a place I no longer recognized, High School, where no one liked me.  The friends that used to be my friends all of a sudden over the summer became enemies?  Why?  What happened over the summer? Nothing, it was all about clothes, status, if your parents had money or not. The friends you used to have sleepovers with and knew your family, weakness, etc. used it against you to be cool.

A Place Unknown

Her I am all alone
In a place so unknown
There I stand looking
Around feeling lost in a
Place so unknown

Forever I stand all alone
Away from the crowd feeling abandoned
And lost like a mouse I scurry
To my place all alone

Where no one can hurt me or
Make me feel sad, everyday
I become stronger and happier
Someday, somehow I’ll feel
Not alone

By: Leslie Raddatz copyrighted 1992

I saw people I used to be friends with doing drugs, inhaling air fresheners, and drinking.  I always wondered what changed in their lives for them to be doing those things.  It was very alarming to me so I stay all alone.  I felt I needed to become a tough kind of girl to survive high school so the bullies would leave me alone.  If you are loud and act tough they seemed to back down.

How was your high school years?  Were you the popular person, nerd, or a loner, etc?  The popular students that disrespected you and bullied you, where are they today?  Do you even attend your class reunions?  Are the popular students happy in their lives or was their life over after high school?

I finally felt accepted in college because everyone matured and there were many new people that didn't know you, your family, your "status".  I had those middle school friends who were my enemies in high school return to trying to be friendly to me in college.

Did you do something to a student you wish you could take back and apologize?  Well know is your chance with facebook you should be able to find and connect with them.  Who knows maybe whatever you did or said to them affected their life even as an adult and just by you saying your sorry could repair the hurt they have been carrying inside for years.


  1. Great blog post this morning! I too went through pain and suffering of junior high bullies. Coming from a dysfunctional family, I live with low self esteem even to this day. When people like me I wonder why they like me and if they don't like me, I wonder why not. I'm nice, kind, helpful! lol! Makes no sense to me. I do know though that most of the time people put you down, is because they don't feel good enough about themselves. I believe there is good to be found in everyone we meet, but being bullied in school has serious consequences that affect everyone.

  2. First of all thank you Janelle for sharing your blog with me. I know you will be okay. Just take one day at a time and know this is a safe place to share things as you have done on your blog. God bless you!

    Leslie Raddatz

  3. kkrafts

    I know what you mean it took me until I was in my 30's to be able to have eye contact with people because I was used to my low self esteem from being bullied and if you had eye contact with them that meant you were challenging them and wanted to fight.

    In my earlier years I didn't look at people because they would notice my crossed eyes and would tease me. Thank God my eyes got fixed.

    Also because of all my abuse that I have been through I always was scared to be confident but when I talk now I look people in the eyes and it feels like I have accomplished something really big.

    I also agree that bullies are weaker than the people they are bullying. We are survivors and the bullies are people who may not be able to survive their circumstances.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Leslie Raddatz

  4. I remember the day in middle school when the best friend I'd had all through elementary school told me she couldn't hang out with me anymore because her new cool friends didn't want to hang with me. She was very honest and said she wanted to be popular and this is what she had to do. Thankfully I found some good friends in high school but to this day I don't have any desire to revisit those years. People always say you'll miss them but it's been nearly forty years and I haven't missed them yet. I blossomed in college and found what was really valuable in life and have only pity for that supposed friend who gave up what was true for what was popular.

  5. Wow at least she was honest with you. One of my friends ended the relationship in a fight saying I called the a B---h but I didn't and then she pushed me and bullied me infront of her new friends. It was so sad because she didn't have to end it like that. That is when i decided to become a tough girl and act like I could take them all on because then they backed down and left me alone. I was so lucky my bluff wasn't called.

    Leslie Raddatz

  6. I just started following your blog, I also have a few blogs too. I was bullied for years that started in elementary school all the way through middle school, middle school being the toughest that was 3 very hard years to get through and people told me I wouldn't make it out of the journey alive and labeled me a statistic. I'm so glad to hear you made it through too. :)

  7. I had a hard time in middle school too. I was bullied but also I met had a boyfriend that was a junior in high school and I was an 14 year old eight grader that gained my trust. I lost my virginity to him and then he decided to break up with me by raping me.

    Out of all the trauma and abuse that one was the hardest to get through. It landed me in the hosptial for a week and then I had to seek professional help of a pyschiatrist and therapist.

    Do you suffer from any of the disorders or symptoms on my blog? If you do I encourage you to seek immediate help. Thanks for following me.

    Leslie Raddatz
    The Ultimate Survivor of PTSD

  8. I love your blog and the struggle you have been through I can identify with. I was also pushed down a flight of stairs while pregnant as a junior in high school. I was also pushed against lockers, told I smelled and was an ulgy slut, whore and anything else they could say to try and destroy my spirit. Don't let it break you.

    I can't prove it but I tried to tell my counselor about my rape because my rapist was a Senior when I was a Freshman and he was having people be mean to me. I had no detail but I just knew he raped me. My memory of my rape details was repressed for 20 yrs. After I told her I was hit by a car on my way home. He told me he would kill me if I told anyone. The next day I called school age 16 to talk to my principle and she told me she already knew what happened to me because my rapist was claiming responsibily for what happen and stated they didn't do the job right that I should have been killed. My priniciple reported it to the the police officer at the school and he said "people say things everyday they don't mean and he dismissed it." The officer and my rapist were buddies in the lunch room so it was a cover up. He ended up stocking me at each job I had for the next four years to ensure I kept scared and my mouth shut.

    Leslie Raddatz
    The Ultimate Survivor of PTSD