Monday, November 7, 2011

Trauma Break Through

I just got home from a therapy session.  I have EMDR and Brainspotting therapy done each week to reprocess my trauma memories while helping me to heal.  I have been having a hard time losing weight and keeping it off for the past 11 years. I know there are more women out there that may have the same problem and may have a similar story.  It is okay to share. I am listening.

For the past two years, I would train for a half marathon and start losing weight.(see profile photo) I would go from a size 18W to 12 size in pants.  After the half marathon and as soon as men started to notice me, I stopped exercising.  I would go back to my destructive pattern of eating large amounts of food to gain the weight back.  I felt like I was not safe to be skinny or to look good.  I felt like I was unsafe and being fat made me feel safe. It seemed to reassure me that no one would hurt me because they wouldn't be attracted to me. "I wouldn't be asking for it." I am currently 203 pounds.

Tonight my counselor and I were able to find one of the reasons why.  It went back to my memory of being raped when I was fourteen years old by my boyfriend at the time. He was a junior in high school and I was an 8th grader. This also is part of the parental neglect I talk about in my book.  My parents didn't care where I was and who I was with.  They had no clue.  I loved and trusted him and before him I was a virgin.  We had sex a few times and then one night he did something very odd. 

He told me that someone accused his brother of rape as he swung the door shut and rushed towards me while saying "If anyone said that about me I woudl kill them."  I felt very scared, on guard, confused, and I felt the need to go home but that was not an option. He lived many miles out of town. He started to kiss me and try to lay me down on the bed and I told him "NO"but he didn't listen as he raped me. 

He told me it was my fault for being so sexy and it was the clothes I was wearing.  He told me, "You know you want me.  Give it a chance." "You were asking for it. You are so sexy." It was very painful what he did to me. I was in shock and scared. I tried a few times to get up but he restrained me by pressing firmly down with his arm cutting off my air then I gave up and didn't fight back.  I just waited for it to be over.  When it was all over he took some of my public hair and put it in a plastic container saying. "This is where I put all my bitches."  At that moment, I knew I wasn't the only one he did this to.

He drove me home and that was how he broke up with me.  As he left me confused, scared, and in pain on my front lawn.  He said, "You remember what I told you."  I nodded.  I went into my house and told no one.  I tried to tell my counselor at school at age 16 and he showed me a life threatening consequence which is explained in my book.

I never told another person until this year and I am 34 years old.  When this repressed memory came back that was when I was hosptialized and put on medication because it was too much for me to bear.  After he raped me, he also stalked me for four years at every place I worked.  He wanted to make sure I kept my mouth shut.  He would be with another young girl and they would laugh at my terrified look as I saw him. I couldn't help but think that she would be his next victium

When I got out of the hospital, I went to the police station and reported the rape.  There was no justice for me because it was passed the statute of limitations.  I felt my report would help other victiums if they were brave enough to report it. The officer said mine was the first reported.  All I can say is that day, July 18, 2011, I broke the silence and continued as I made the decision to write my book. I hope to share my book with all of you once it gets published. This was one of many abuses I endured and survived.

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